Het is donderdagavond, ik zit aan tafel tegenover mijn moeder.
We eten samen, zoals we de afgelopen weken regelmatig deden. 
In die weken ben ik vaker in mijn geboortedorp Breskens om samen te zijn met mama en mijn broer.
Het is inmiddels tien weken geleden dat Loe overleed en ik heb al minstens evenveel keer op deze manier tegenover mijn moeder gezeten tijdens het eten en toch voelde dit anders.
Mijn salade smaakte niet zoals hij moest smaken. Alsof er graten in zitten. Ik vecht iedere hap naar binnen en als hij er bijna in zit kijk ik mijn moeder aan en barst in huilen uit.
Mama zit tegenover mij aan tafel. Op de plek waar Loe altijd zat. (Waarom? Omdat we anders naast elkaar zouden zitten en dat is ook niet echt heel gezellig.) 
Golven aan emotie worden in beweging gebracht om er als zilte druppels uit te komen. Ze biggelen over mijn wangen. Het besef dat die plek nooit meer ingenomen zal worden door Loe doet pijn. Het zien van zijn gitaar in de woonkamer doet pijn. Het zien van de rouwkaart doet pijn. Het zijn in dit huis, zonder hem, doet pijn. Het besef dat mijn moeder alleen door moet zonder hem, doet pijn. Het valt op me en ik kan niet anders dan me eraan overgeven. En dat doet pijn. Dat betekent dat het echt is.

Wanneer ik in Tilburg zit.
Mijn eigen plekje.
Lukt het me om de realiteit van de gebeurtenissen te parkeren om zo toch aan werk toe te komen.
Om zo toch de draad van het 'normale' leven terug op te pakken. 
Maar nu ik hier ben.
En alles me eraan herinnert wat er is gebeurd en wat niet meer is. Kan ik niet anders dan de realiteit onder ogen zien en me overgeven aan verdriet.
Dat nooit lang duurt. Het zijn golven.
En na een kleine storm wordt de zee terug kalm, zodat we weer verder kunnen varen.
​In die boot, waarin ik niet wilde zitten. Maar niet meer uit kan.

Hoe harder ik tegen de boot vecht, hoe meer impact hij heeft.
En dus geef ik me stukje bij beetje over.
Aan die verdomde boot, met zijn barre overtocht.
Die hoe je het ook went of keert.
Gemaakt zal moeten worden.

Scroll down for the behind the scenes video!!

Photography: Rob Woodcox
​Model: Lieke Anna
​Dress: Bruidshuis Ellen
​Furn-foraging & pinning: Robin Stremlow

It's 9.30 AM and I've packed up my styff again. About an hour and a half ago I said goodbye to Bonnie, after spending 4 evenings with her in Portland, Oregon. She is such a sweet person and I am so glad that I got to know her better this time!
Now it's time to leave her house and move on to my next adventure. I set my GPS, in my KIA Sportage, to a tea place downtown where I'm meeting someone I've never met before, but have been in contact with for a couple of months now.
After ordering my organic, coconut oolong tea and writing in my book for a little while I hear someone getting closer and carefully pronouncing my name and there he was, mister Rob Woodcox. The next person who I'm going on adventures with!
We started talking and hitted off immediately. Which is awesome considering that I fact that I was going to spent a few days with him, haha.
After a few hours of talking we went to this pretty taxidermy shop and it's too bad my bank account has no endless amount of money on it and I did not bring an extra suitcase, or I would've bought the whole store. We then headed to Rob's home where we had an amazing dinner.
Turns out he lives by a forest and we had discussed a few ideas earlier that day and thought of a nature concept (furns growing out of a dress and a furn crown) so the backyard forest came in super handy! So after dinner we headed into his backyard to forage stuff for our shoot the next day.
As we walked through the forest we gathered sticks, leafs and flowers to build the crown at home. During the walk, Rob was playing LOTR and Narnia music, which made it all the more enchanting.

The morning we took to gather everything we needed (or thought we needed). From dresses to camera equipment, yarn, smokebombs, lunchpackages and what more.
​Rob texted one of his friends if she wanted to come along on a creative adventure and she did! Robin and her golden retriever Jax came to get us a little later. We packed up the car and drove to the other side of the Columbia river, in Washington State. The way there was filled with breathtaking nature, more than enough inspiration to get the creative juices flowing!
​To get to the other side of the river we took a bridge called "The Bridge of the Gods", which is a very cute bridge with an awesome view!
​After crossing the river we drove through a small town with a cool antique shop. Filled with loads of overpriced crap, but also a few nice looking things. My eye caught a stack of prints and I was kind of determined to find one I'd liked there. And so I continued searching for a while until I saw the classic "American Gothic" and when it turned out that it was only a dollar, I just had to own it.
​When we left the antique shop, we crossed the street to have a look at a flower and gardenshop, when we saw five kids by the side of the road selling lemonade. Really like you would see in the movies. Of course we had to get ourselves some lemonade from these cute kids, before heading to our location.
​We parked our car, went to nature's bathroom and started our small hike. Going down to the look out spot over Panther Creek falls was easy peasy. The hard pard was yet to start. Because of course we weren't going to photograph from the touristy spot, overlooking the fall. We wanted to climb down to get up close and personal. To us humans it was hard, but do-able, but we also brought sweet Jax with us, the golden retriever. So Rob & Robin looked for an easier way down, where we had our prepacked lunch, my very first Peanutbutter&Jelly sandwiches. Very American.
​After finishing our lunch I put on my weddingdress and Robin was on foraging duty for the furns  that Rob would pin on the dress. We sat there for quite some time until the pattern was complete.

​

It was a pretty Sunny day, but the temperature down by the waterfall was way lower and with the constant damp of cold water, it was pretty chilly to say the least. And of course the shoot where I modeled for was right by the fall, so I was freezing my butt of and was shivering after a while. I knew I really wanted to also do a selfportrait down there, but I just had to warm up first.
​When I could feel my feet again and the shivering stopped, I picked out a big fallen log for my shoot, overlooking the fall, a really cool spot. As I was photographing I saw another log that caught my eye that just screamed 'naked selfportrait'. And as I didnt't want to regret not doing it, I decided to just go for it.
After my shoot, Rob was thinking about going naked as well and so I decided to do a nude shoot with him, laying by the waterfall.
Vulnerable to all nature's violence surrounding him.
​Time had gone by so fast, that we decided to pack up and head back to the car. It was a slippery hike back up and clumsy me of course slid down at one point, scattering my whole left leg in scratches and bruises.
​I couldn't really see how bad it was, because I was covered in mud, but it was pretty bad. "Oh the things we do for art" right!

If you've read all this way, respond in the comments with 'live an inspiring life'. ♥

Op zaterdag 24 November 1973 werd dit Amerikaanse marine vliegtuig van het type C-47 (ook wel "Dakota" genoemd) geforceerd om te landen op het zwarte strand van Sólheimasandur in het zuiden van IJsland. De crew overleefde de landing en tot op de dag van vandaag ligt het vliegtuig hier.

On the Saturday of Nov 24, 1973 a United States Navy airplane (C-47 SkyTrain also known as “Dakota”) was forced to land on Sólheimasandur’s black sandy beach in the south of Iceland. The crew survived the landing and the airplane’s remains are still standing at the crash site.

Een uiterst bizarre plek om rond te lopen, maar eentje die hoog op het lijstje van "bezienswaardigheden die we graag willen zien" stond. Gewapend met een uitgeschreven uitleg en de coördinaten gingen we op pad en hadden we het wrak al snel in ons vizier. En wij niet alleen. Het is een toeristische attractie geworden waar bezoekers die een 4x4 hebben gehuurd graag naartoe trekken.
Mensen die niet zo'n te gekke auto hebben gehuurd moeten helaas een kilometer of 4 door het zwarte zand lopen. En liet het nou net die dag ontzettend hard waaien en maar een paar graden boven nul zijn.
En ja, ook dan is het 'alles voor de kunst' en trek ik mijn jurkje aan om 'de foto' te maken :) Het bleek een heuse uitdaging om het juiste moment (lees, het moment zónder toeristen) te vinden om hem te maken. Wanneer er een auto vertrok, was de volgende alweer aangekomen. Maar de aanhouder wint en na geduldig een rijstwafeltje eten in de auto, even opwarmen voor de kou van de shoot die komen zou, was er een moment precies lang genoeg om de foto te maken.
Eentje die ik van te voren graag wilde maken, maar nog niet helemaal uitgedokterd had. Het is een verhaal geworden over vertrek. Doorgaan. Wegrennen of achter je laten?
Hieronder een kleine video van de edit achter dit beeld en een voor en na foto.

A bizarre place to be walking in, but one that was high on our list of 'things we really want to see'. With a written explanation and the coordinates we went for it and it didn't took us long to figure out that we were on the right tracks when suddenly the wreck appeared. And we weren't alone. It has become a tourist attraction where people who rented a four wheel drive loved to go to. People that didn't rent such an amazing car unfortunately have to walk for about 4 kilometers through the black sand. And especially the day we were that, that had to be an awful walk. It was super windy and it was only a couple degrees above zero.
But even in these conditions the mantra 'everything for the art' counts and so I got dressed in my red dress and went for it. It was a challenge to find the right timing to create, cause every time a car left, another one arrived. But patience is key and after patiently waiting in the car, eating a little something and getting a little warm before the cold shoot that was about to happen there was moment long enough to take the shot.
This was an image that I really wanted to create, but hadn't quite figured out what the end-result had to be. It turned out to be a story about departing. Pushing through. Continuing. Running away, or leaving behind?
Below you find a little video of the edit and a before and after photo.